time is doing its thing and i am feeling a bit better. i say that with caveats, because i still feel like something very profound and deep has shifted and i am not quite the same person as i was 6 weeks ago. i also dont mean i am bouncing off the walls with joy. i think there is a perception that you have to be like that all the time in life, full of happiness and gratitude, otherwise you are not ‘well’ in some way. but you know, life sucks, a lot. and then it has really good times, and i think i am just learning to go with them a bit better. i think it’s acceptance. it just is what it is.
i know i am very much enjoying spending time alone. i really struggle to leave the house, and i really don’t want to talk to most people, except the ones i want to talk to, because i can not stand fakes and phonies anymore (yes, call me holden caulfield). i dont want any narcissistic negativity around me, i dont want anyone else’s concocted drama. i just want to focus on what keeps me moving forward in the direction i want to go, not where someone else thinks i should go.
so it was timely yet again that this week is all about mental health awareness here, with an interesting campaign called ‘mental as’ running on the national broadcaster. i’m not really a big fan of that term, but i should probably stop intellectualising things. it’s a good campaign, but i still think it puts the idea of ‘sickness’ as something out there, to be treated, that happens to other people, rather than accepting that life is shit sometimes and you’re going to feel like shit, and being anxious or sad or frightened or overwhelmed arent necessarily ‘illnesses’ that you need to take a drug for, but part of life’s rich (frustrating) tapestry. and knowing that, being sensitive to it, doesnt make you ill. maybe its the people who don’t feel it that have the problem. what was it that westley said to buttercup? ‘life is pain highness, and anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something’. yes that.
of course, i am writing about the history of mental health right now, so i would see it that way. and it’s a bit ‘triggery’ for me, personally, watching people talk about, and other people analyse, ‘these people’ with mental problems, when i have been one of those people, i have been locked up, and i don’t really want to talk about that. nevertheless, i made my own mental health promise, because the only person who knows how i feel, or how i want to feel, is me.
these are the things that are important to me right now. i have been working hard on taking care of myself, including finally going back to the gym, because my physio said i can. i have an existing knee problem from a tennis injury as a kid (chondromalacia) and then i jarred my knee while running for a bus in philadelphia and didnt really look after it properly, and so i hobbled around until about a month ago when i thought my achilles was going to snap, it was so tight and so painful. the physio said i had a bad case of ‘ITB’ and she set to work, with much sadistic glee. it’s working though, and i am back on the treadmill three times a week and it hurts like hell but i feel better anyway.
i’ve been down the beach a lot, because possum loves it, even though the soft sand walking is not good for the knee, apparently. but who can resist this view?
when i feel crap about my house or where i’ve moved to, i come down here and it becomes tolerable again. it’s nice to feel summer start to wind its way towards us, although i will complain about it soon, and am looking forward to actually spending the bulk of it in the snow in the northern hemisphere.
in the meantime, i have had plenty of time with the two furry ratbags. possum is her usual princess self and pretty much does whatever she wants, which involves relentless attempts at mind melding me into feeding her more, or taking her for a swim, because she loves it so much. ricco is lovely and sweet and gentle, unless you are another dog, and he is good company, although it is very obvious to me how much he misses lila, especially with his attempts to get possum to play with him. they killed a squeaky in her honour.
and i have finally picked up the knitting again in earnest. i lost my mojo for a while and really didnt care about it. then the trip to melbourne and out to spunsun yarns got the creative juices flowing again, and i spent lots of money (in itself nicely therapeutic) and quickly made this hat out of shibui baby alpaca for a friend in need
the picture doesnt do it justice, its so smooshy and i used the updated knitbot ‘simple beret’ pattern for DK weight and its perfect. i will make myself one before i get on the plane again.
it is the thought of some serious cold weather that has me making things for myself in earnest. i am stuck in sleeveland on the ‘brise’ cardigan in the madeline tosh merino light, but i did finish a pair of socks which had been languishing for a while:
these are my ‘general store’ socks, made in madeline tosh sock yarn in ‘scarlet’ that i bought with winifred that day in brooklyn, at the general store. the pattern is ‘my cup of tea’ and they were really easy. i made some slight mods, but you can see details on ravelry.
i started another pair of socks straight away with some of the straycat self striping i bought, in my favourite colours:
the yarn is called “hipster”. totes.
i also decided if you are going to be spending christmas in the snow, you need something serious like 100% musk ox around your neck. i wasnt going to let the $200 worth of Qiviuk i bought in banff languish for too long, so jane helped me decide on this pattern, which feels so right in lots of ways (comes with a great story), but is really the perfect pattern for such a warm yarn.
its hard to take a good photo of black yarn but i think you get the idea.
the other thing i am thinking about is starting on some colourwork. i havent ever done any but i bought the kit for these mittens, and think they would look pretty good in the snow!
i just need to take the plunge, maybe once the cowl is done. or the sleeves.
anyway, knitting lots has made me realise how much a part of my mental health maintenance it is, and i should have put it in my promise. it’s hard sometimes, when your job is reading and writing, to give yourself permission to just stop and sit and knit for hours on end. but then i do it and come back to the computer and spew out 6000 words in three days, so it has benefits there too.
speaking of words, i need to get back to them. i have one paper from the Philadelphia archives nearly finished, another one back from a journal with some edits, a book proposal and two grant applications to write over the next few weeks. some great things are happening with work, and i should be able to write more about them soon.
lots to be thankful for, really.
k xx
