it’s funny how you dont realise how stressed you are until that stress is lifted. the last week i’ve felt it slowly start to shift, can feel myself breathing easier, less anxious, less bothered by the little things. im not exactly a walking zen master (that’ll be the day) but i’m getting there. i think for the moment its just nice to feel more settled.
i officially started my new position on monday and it was nice to see the official record on the webkiosk, with all the annual leave (39 days!) and sick leave (59 days!) rolled over from the last two contracts. this job is number 43 in the system, and i hope it will be the last. i got a new staff card, and i even joined the gym.
dont worry im not going to turn into one of those annoying women who discovers exercise (because no one ever has before) and rabbits on endlessly about it as though it makes me a better person than anyone else. let me assure you, exercise is not fun, and im not in the least bit interested in conforming to anyone elses expectations of what i should look like. but i am 45 and i want to stay strong and healthy. and i dont have any more excuses not to really. my office is right opposite the uni gym and pool and i can have the membership deducted from my pay. its heading into summer and i really love swimming. last year i worked up to 2kms in about 40 minutes, so its time to get back into it. a few people have been all ‘oh we can go together’ and its nice to feel supported, and sometimes would be fun, but really the last thing i want is someone watching me sweat and groan while i lift heavy things. the best thing about the uni gym is it has a proper mens free weights section, and that’s where i’ll be. trent taught me how to lift weights properly years ago, like a guy, and i dont need any help or advice from stupid personal trainers either.
i’ve been feeling this generally in the rest of my life, this kind of defiant, stop telling me what to do thing, but its coming from a growing confidence and happiness with being in my own skin, of being on my own. i used to run around like a mad thing, finding things to do, people to be with. now, i just want to go to work and do my thing and be left alone. i love coming home to water my plants (westringia fruiticosa, a yucca and some rock daisies)
(the remaining herbs that Lila hadnt destroyed, before i thought to fence them)
and hanging out with said lovely naughty sandy puppy
and not having to talk to anyone. i remember talking to my friend lyn a while ago about how she dealt with her marriage break up and she told me about the positives that had come out of if for her. i remember her talking about autonomy, and i think thats how im feeling at the moment, really finding strength from being on my own, not having to compromise, not having to worry about whether my behaviour is a problem for someone else. now, i dont care.
and i have more important things to think about anyway. having the job means i can really lose myself in my work, and concentrate on making a contribution to the world in my own little way. i’ve got lots of projects bubbling away, i wont bore you with them here, just that i found out on friday that i didnt get my big grant application (the one i submitted way back in march) and i’m neither surprised nor disappointed (considering the success rate was 13% and they only awarded 6 to history out of 200 total). it means that decisions have been made for me. other opportunities are open to me now for funding for a long stretch overseas next year (8 weeks in the US and UK). and interestingly, my landlady also told me this week that shes not going to sell this house for at least two years, so i have room to breathe there too. its like all the powers that be have told me to just relax, that its ok to settle, at least for a little while.
i went for a long walk with the puppy the other day along the bike track that runs along the coast – there is a really nice stretch from wonoona point to sandon point that hugs the ocean and it was nice grey day
and the surf was going off up at sandon point
and i stood there for a while watching the grommets, watching the surfers, this most Australian of scenes
and i realised how lucky i am to live here. i went to sydney yesterday for my first guild meeting in ages, and it was great to see people, and i went into the city after and did a bit of sale shopping, but then i couldnt wait to get out and to be home where it was quiet and not crowded and i dont feel like stabbing someone every time i get behind the wheel of my car. that’s just for the moment though. i’m sure in about 6 months time i will be moaning about the lack of coffee and culture and the redneck provincialism, but for now it will do.
being less stressed means i’ve been reading more. i bought these because they are about shell shock and the first world war
so vaguely work related, but also, really well written. i’ve also been able to manage something more challenging than scandinavian crime fiction:
ive recently finished the two on top and would highly recommend them, burial rites is by an australian (not an australian story) and i loved it, and the orchardist i picked up in new york city and only returned to it recently. its a very american story, and she writes a bit like cormac mcarthy and i found it hard to put it down. it stayed with me a long time, and its rare for books to do that these days. the luminaries, on the bottom, i’m reading now, and i love it, its absolutely absorbing and worth every accolade and award its been given, and the goldfinch is next on the list, because i love donna tartt more than anything. the secret history is my favourite book ever, of all time. i know she will never be able to replicate it, but i will read everything she ever writes, just in case. also, if i had an alternate life, it would be hers (liberal arts college in vermont, hanging out with my writing mates in the hamptons, you know, that kind of thing).
in my real life, as opposed to my imaginary one, i have been knitting more finally. i was coming home so tired and so stressed out i almost gave up knitting entirely. the most i could manage was the stripey hoodie, which has grown more than i realised,
and on the weekends maybe i might get a few repeats of the sandycove scarf done:
i have started the second skein now, so this will be twice as long as it is in this picture, which will be either totally amazing or completely ridiculous.
i think as knitters, though, we know how well we are travelling based on our capacity to handle complicated lace. i have been itching to work on something more demanding, so i dragged out a long hibernating work in progress called stone crop
gorgeous blue madeline tosh lace weight, beautiful jared flood pattern. match made in heaven.
speaking of which, its raining today. i dont know how long its been without rain, too long. i love cool grey raining sundays, tucked up on the couch with tea and knitting and warm puppy dog and zombies on the tv.
what else can a person ask for?
k xx
