low tide

last post i made a comment about feeling perfectly content right now. i was surprised myself when i wrote that, and i thought ‘be careful because things can change very quickly in this life!’ yes they can, but i am happy to still be at this low level of content. i think its because i realised this week that its been a year now since i got back from baltimore, and finally, at last, the turmoil has stopped. that doesnt mean i dont still get pangs, or have feelings, and the weirdest things can trigger bittersweet memories. like my sunscreen

i bought this is in the CVS just behind my hotel on the harbour. i wore it every day while i was there, it was so hot and the sun was so fierce. i wore it when i went out walking to fells point and met the knitters and bought my favourite silver earrings, which i was wearing That Night. i wore it in new york city on that scorching 40 degree day, walking down broadway to the strand bookstore in sandals and a short skirt, grinning like the cheshire cat. it was a great day, a great trip, and that banana smelling sunscreen brings it all rushing back. but i dont feel traumatised or doubled up in grief and anguish anymore about what happened since. i finally feel like i am back in the same space i was before i went, which was happy and grateful for the amazing life i had, not pining over something i didnt even know i wanted. oh dont get me wrong, i still pine. i still want it. but ‘it’ is there, and i am here, and today, thats ok. you have to let go of things. if they’re meant to be, they will find a way back to you.

its nice to have my confident, self-sufficient self back. i was in a good place before i got on that plane, i had just started my then part time academic job, things were starting to go where i wanted them. since then, amazing things have happened. since it went full time, the job has turned out to be better than i could ever have hoped for. i can feel myself grow and learn every day, become a better thinker, teacher, researcher. taking over a big subject as the co-ordinator has really helped. i have been given free reign to do what i want with it, and i’m loving it. its a lot of work, and i want to do it well, so its a time suck, but i love it. im learning a lot from it, and because of that i have finally taken the step of starting a proper work blog. i toyed with this idea for a while and tried it out and felt really wanky. i think because i didnt really have a hook to hang it on. but now i do, and its over here if you want to go check it out

Dr Kylie Smith

when i published the first post, i wrote that ‘knitters are welcome but not obliged’. i thought afterwards maybe that sounded exclusive, thats really not what i meant. i guess part of the reason i started the work blog was because i felt bad only ever talking about work here. this was meant to be a personal/knitting blog. yes work is a big part of who i am. but its boring for most people. other peoples jobs are pretty much always boring to the people not doing them! so while i know that many of my knitter followers are interested in my work, and have plenty to say, i dont want anyone to feel they HAVE to follow or comment on that blog just because they are my friend. i think its time i started to build a professional profile online, and there is no need for anyone else to feel they have to participate in that! so posting to this blog might be a bit less frequent, but i will try and stick to the fun things like knitting, and dogs, and friends.

i have had a good week in most of those departments. the knitting part is slow

i am working pretty much 8-6 seven days, and when i get home, or get up from this computer, i’m tired and my eyes hurt. so i dont get a lot of knitting time, and its mostly only simple things im capable of. so its the black cardigan or that lovely grey scarf that are getting most of my attention. i figure we’re heading into spring here soon anyway, so at least i will have new knitted things for next winter!

because im usually headed for bed by 10pm, i probably only get about a half hour of reading done before i start to drift off. but i finished The Cuckoos Calling, which i really really enjoyed (well written, good characters) and i’ve started this oh! what amazing writing! in one so young! there is not a single wasted word on these pages, im completely hooked. she makes me want to write novels again, and then i think oh why would you even bother, when there are people like her writing books like these? if you havent read it, i would recommend that you do!

in the interests of maintaining some balance, i have made a conscious effort to stop being such a pain in the arse social introvert, and hang out with people down here. i guess thats helping with the contentment as well, feeling as though i do have a network of people here, and they actually want to spend time with me. i had great fun on saturday afternoon with samantha and stuart and zachary and henry. i feel a bit like ive been adopted as a surrogate aunty which is lovely. the boys let me play with their lego it was so much fun, my sister and i had a lot of lego when i was kid, and one of my only good memories of my father is the wooden lego box he made us with the sliding lid. they have new colours and shapes in modern lego, i like it. henry and i made a wall. pretty much the best wall ever i reckon. i also made a pavlova

not a bad effort, although the shell on the top collapsed. i think i need a mixmaster with a whisk attachment, but i cant afford a fancy machine. i cant even afford to replace my busted microwave right now (how did people cook before microwaves. so many pots and pans!!). im not stressed about money, which is also helping with the contentment, because i’ve gone up a couple of pay grades, but life on your own is expensive, and im trying to eat better, and im getting a few things fixed about the house, and did i mention car insurance and registration. sheesh. but its ok, im starting to save little bits, and thats a nice feeling.

i probably spend too much money on the dogs. squeaky toys for example.

its been so great having possum here, i love having two and it keeps lila occupied (when she is not killing squeakys that is)

and it forces me out of the house more. we have had some beautiful weather, gorgeous sunny days, but the last few days a strong wind has been howling up off the snow, and its cooooooold.

but its been low tide in the morning this week, so i’ve taken advantage of that and we’ve been for a few long walks along the beach. its been so breathtakingly beautiful. i dont think i need to add words to these pictures. it was funny though to see this spray painted ‘locals only’ on this closed off sewerage outlet. if there is anything i hate about australian coastal living it is surfie culture. i grew up on the beach, maroubra and then cronulla, in the 70s and 80s. puberty blues was my life. i have no wish to relive it as an adult, and its probably those memories that trigger my itchy feet, the longing for travel and culture and big cities and street food and strong espresso.