once upon a time, i thought i wanted nothing more than to be settled. i worked hard and i took my opportunities when they came, and i thought settled happened about 2 and a half years ago when i started working in my current workplace and i grabbed hold of my dream job.
but then i went to baltimore, and i knew nothing would be the same after that. i remember so distinctly sitting on the plane, watching new york city slip away underneath me, thinking i could not possibly be leaving, that i needed to stay, thinking that everything had changed somehow. and it has.
it’s not exactly straightforward. it hasnt been a direct line from there to here. it’s been fraught and disrupted and at times full of heart ache. but it’s also been full of immeasurable joy. and i am not quite at the ‘here’ yet. there is still a ways to go on this journey, and so i am in limbo again.
but i am here of my own making. i could chose not to be. i could ignore all the signs the universe keeps sending me about what direction i need to go in (north north always north). i didnt actually need to keep applying for money to travel to archives in the US (but i did). i could have been unsuccessful in those applications (but i wasnt). i could have ignored my heart (but i never could do that). and i definitely could have hit the delete button on the email that came my way about 6 weeks ago with the message ‘you need to apply for this job’. this job which happens to be in atlanta, georgia, USA. i could have NOT applied for that job. in fact, the whole time i was writing my application i was thinking ‘you can not be serious, there is no way you are going to be even in the running for this what are you doing this is so out of your league’.
but i did it anyway. and i did it because i want it. i have made that decision, that i dont want to spend the rest of my days here in this country, that i want to be somewhere else, and that i need to pay attention to the things that keep happening to take me across the sea. so this week i took the first step in making that a reality.
yesterday i had a really great conversation with someone and in a week i will know if that conversation was enough to get me to step two. i have a ‘feeling’ about this, but there is a lot beyond my control. so now i just wait again, and if step two happens, well i will worry about that then.
in the meantime i am trying to hold it together. some days are better than others. some days i am a nervous wreck, holding my breath, not eating properly, not sleeping. some days my hands shake and i cant concentrate. the thought of the huge risk i am taking, the leap i am trying to make, am i brave enough, strong enough, smart enough?
and then somedays i just breathe and think its not my decision to make. i try and hand my life over to whatever the grand plan is, and have faith that everything happens for a reason. those days i try and keep busy, stay focussed on this life i still need to live day by day. i have so much work to do, papers to write, grants still to apply for, a book proposal to finalise
i have students to talk to, and papers to grade, and dogs to look after, and friends to see, and knitting to try and keep me sane.
on that front, i am not capable of anything complicated at the moment. i finally finished this beautiful thing that i started in philadelphia
in colours that are so totally not my usual (pink!) but were the perfect antidote to those short grey winter days
and now i think its just perfect and will make a nice splash of colour in all the black i tend to wear here in our not so cold grey winters.
in keeping with the simple, and working in colours i like, i started a Hap for Harriet
in the beautiful Koigu lace i got in new york city earlier this year. this is a perfect pattern for right now, garter stitch with a little lace edge that i can memorise
and i have finally put the ton of grey loft and the pattern that sue gifted me to work, starting on another endless cardigan that might be ready for another northern christmas.
if that’s how things pan out. if it does, then everything in my life will change. the job in atlanta is just one piece of the puzzle that is still working itself out. when i think about what that job might mean, and not just for me, i get a little bit dizzy. but that too is beyond my control. all i can do is pay attention to the signs, take the chances when they come, and accept what happens after that.
at the moment, i am living in limbo. again. anyone would think i liked it here!
k xx
