its a well known fact that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do. i think its stressful even under the best circumstances, where you make the decision of your own accord and have time to find the right place. im suprised at how much more stressful i’m finding my current circumstance, and at times i think im not handling it very well. to be honest, im pretty pissed off about it. i didnt chose to move, in fact, i was told i wouldnt have to. and even though i’m very grateful to have a plan, and somewhere to stay when i get back from the US, this isnt just about a roof over my head. this house is my home. i came here when trent and i split up. it was important to me that i live somewhere i would be happy and comfortable, and so this house is full of me, all my ‘things’, my books, my pictures, memories, energy, grief, joy, self-discovery. i know its just a house. i know we all have these feelings, take these things with us wherever we go, but i am attached. i feel like my heart and soul are here. this is where i started my life over, where i found myself again. its hard to leave. i know it means a new stage, i know life is change. i know it will be ok. but still, my heart is heavy. i walk around and stand in doorways and think about how its been to live here and my eyes fill with tears and i feel immobilised and sometimes even terrified.
and then i pretty well lost my shit this week because the landlady hasnt done any repairs at all for at least three out of the last five years, despite me telling her about things. of course, to sell it she’s had to do stuff. she’s wanted that stuff done RIGHT NOW. i’ve had to continually push back, say no, later, wait, not now. yesterday i had the real estate agent ring me at 830am asking if the building inspector could come at 930am. THAT MORNING. i was standing in the queue for coffee at the time. im naturally a nice person. i know people might laugh at that, but i try to help people where i can. i am also not an idiot. i know my rights. im well acquainted with the letter of australian law. im probably better acquainted with it than some people realise. cough. so i dont have any problems saying no and pointing out the relevant legislation protecting my rights as a tenant. even so, today was chaos. i agreed to have the painter, real estate agent, valuer and property inspector here at the same time as i was working and had three dogs here. it was really painful for a few hours and i couldnt get into the kitchen
but its over now and the painter has gone and left me a heap of dust and paint fumes but the real estate agent tells me she’s had an offer and it looks like selling before it even hits the open market. i’m happy if thats the case because now i have two months of just being able to pack slowly. i made a box today
i havent been able to put anything in it yet though. all its own time. but i have been so well supported by so many people, and people listening to me whinge on social media and lots of helpful advice and offers of help. i do feel very cared for, thank you everyone!
i’m just tired i think, which compounds things. i have to laugh, i’m reminded of times when i was with trent and i got stressed or didnt understand something and i would stand there in tears and not be able to tell him what was wrong and i would shake my hands like i did when i was a kid and he would just laugh at me. its a bit like that!
the tired is mostly from work really, we are into week three of teaching now and my student load is quite heavy (manageable but constant) and i have lots of reading and thinking to do because i still have my regular research projects to do as well as having to write my conference papers before i actually go. so i’ve been mostly reading these
which hurt my head a bit. im super tired when i get home, just drained and physically sore. last night i sat on the couch and cried a bit so lila came and gave me cuddles.
everyone needs a bosom for a pillow right?! thats her favourite spot. i adore her. i am going to miss her terribly when i am away. she is my constant little black shadow.
my sleep has been really disturbed, lots of weird dreams, wide awake at 1am. its times like these i feel the old demons, whispers of ‘just take that pill and knock yourself out for a few days’ but i dont have that luxury so i just try and manage myself physically, not eat too much bad stuff, try and knit for relaxation. of course, i set myself up there because i started that new project, the nancy bush pattern with the lace weight yarn and charts and nupps. i ripped it once but now i have one end knitted and the other started
this end i keep going with the body chart which looks a lot easier. but i really should be knitting something tuly mindless – a stocking stitch hat for example. its just hard to sit still for any length of time and let myself relax. im always thinking about what else i should be doing.
i think im not helping my sleep with my night time reading. i finished the latest jo nesbo, which was really good, then i started Anthony Marra’s “A constellation of vital phenomena”. its about an old man rescuing a child in war torn chechnya. lots of scences of death and crumbled buildings and torn limbs and 8 year olds knowing things they should never know. so yeah. not a good idea. i’ve ordered all the kate atkinson ‘jackson brodie’ books and in the meantime i think im going to give in to the lure of the rebecca mead book about ‘reading middlemarch’ that i was going to save for the plane ride.
who am i kidding? plane rides are for watching the entire Twilight series over again right? dont judge me. bella is much misunderstood (he SPARKLES!!!). see? im teetering on the brink of hysteria. i need a cup of tea. and then maybe a run in the park with the dogs.
only just over 8 weeks now till i leave. i can do this!
k xx
