two days ago i wrote on twitter “i hate this week. i just fucking hate it”. that pretty well sums it up. in my world, its been crap.
it kind of started with knitting actually. you know i took that photo of the unfinished cardigan and its pockets? when i looked at the other photos i saw this
are you freaking kidding me? this has happened to me before with variegated yarn (malabrigo lace im looking at you). i tried to avoid it by alternating skeins. i was knitting with three skeins, and then i got to the waist band and i dropped out one skein, the lightest one i thought. not. i dont want it to look like that. it doesnt really look like that in natural light (which is why i let it go so far). but i hate it. so ive chucked it in the naughty corner and will rip it when i get home.
to compensate i started a new project, something extremely luxurious which ive been meaning to do for ages.
its mitts, in the italian cashmere i got from String in NYC 2 years ago. i’ve already made a hat from this to take with me, so i think i need matching mitts. so far so good
i think i need to stick to accessories in very expensive yarn for a while. its helping me feel better about things.
ive been working really hard on my grant still and thats about done my head in as well. i had to do the budget and i am really not good with numbers, and they really want to know the minutae, guesstimates are not good enough, so this was me on the weekend
trying to make sense of numbers. yikes. then yesterday i was editing the project description part yet again and i took out chunks of words trying to get it under the required 6 pages and this is where i got to
again, are you freaking kidding me? ONE LINE OVER. (and yes, that Smith you see referenced there is me. self citation people, its where its at). anyway, further editing late yesterday in the form of being really ruthless with my own hard penned words finally got it to under 6 pages. i sent it all off for checking and feedback. i probably cut the wrong words. we will see. i hate this thing now. HATE IT. yesterday 5pm i was like CARE FACTOR ZERO. give me the money dont give me the money i couldnt care less. way to go australian government. how to get people really passionate about their research. make them apply for a DECRA. said no one. ever.
so the other thing that happened is, you know how i wrote in my last post i was wishing for something special to be happening in NYC? in other words, to see someone i’ve been talking to on and off since we met in baltimore last year? yeah, not gonna happen. that sounds pretty flippant and simple and its not really, but you dont need details.
its enough to know i was devastated. i cried for two days. i’ve always known its a complicated situation, but its hard to comprehend how you can love someone and not find a way to fight for it. but sometimes love isnt enough. i shake my fist at you love gods. for a minute there i thought i was broken. i really did think that was it, that i just couldnt take any more. people said to me you’re strong. even the person involved said that. you’re strong, keep doing what you always do, and you know what? i just thought fuck off. really, why am i always the strong one? why do i always have to do the fighting? why do i have to be grateful for my life and look on the bright side and pull myself up by my boot straps all the time? for a minute there i thought about just lying on the floor and not getting up and just letting it all go to hell because its just too freaking hard.
then people rang me and emailed me and texted me and told me to come for walks or they would kidnap me and i bought ben and jerrys chocolate fudge brownie icecream and the lovely henry made me this beautiful picture of myself.
when he gave it to me i was very sad and i cried and he looked at me with such concern in his beautiful 5 year old eyes, concern for me from a little boy i’ve only known a few weeks and i thought my heart was going to break. its those moments isnt it, those moments that you think are going to kill you but they dont and you hold your breathe for a minute thinking this is it, then you breath out again and time starts up again and you put one foot in front of the other.
and then you get a text message while you’re driving from your dearest friend who has had something unspeakably sad happen, and you pull over to the side of the road and cry because life is so inexplicably, unbearably sad and hard and tragic somedays, and sometimes i dont know how any of us face it, day after day, how we keep getting up and moving forward. if i believed in god i would think we were like his punching bags, seriously.
but you do get up and move forward. that text message made me realise how really strong i am. it made me realise i will not be broken by someone else, by anyone else. that im stronger than that, better than that, deserve more than that.
so i spent yesterday being completely pampered. new hair cut, colour, manicure, eyebrows
at the end of it i felt pretty good about myself. not (just) because i looked great, but because i realised how really strong i am. not just because i choose to react in certain ways, or because i make a decision to get up off the floor, but because all the times ive done that before, they’ve made it impossible for me to do anything else. i dont have to convince myself ‘you deserve better, you’re worth more than that’. last night i realised real strength is when you dont even have to tell yourself that stuff, you just know it. it doesnt mean i dont care, it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt, it doesnt mean im not sad. but it will not define me.
so yeah, i am strong enough. bring it on.
kxx
